Was just thinking, I make a terrible alcoholic. I was feeling particularly down earlier so on a whim I brought a bottle of red wine to my bed room with full intention of drinking it all and drowning my sorrows. I had about one glass before I gave up.
Not meant to be.
With all of the masks that I tend to wear, does anyone really know of all of the sadness that I don’t show?
I’m debating whether being in bed all day on my first day of no work is a good or bad thing. It’s good in that I’m actually getting some proper rest. However, there’s something underlying here. I think I have a mild case of the blues. It may sound silly, but I kind of feel like I’m a little bit adrift. For a long while my job helped to define who I am. At least, it did in my head. No, I know that that’s not a good way of going about doing things at all. I feel a bit empty. It’s kind of hard to describe.
I have one week to work out this wrinkle, but my goal in my new job is to not let it have such a prominent place in my self-worth. Sure, I will spend one-third of my day there but I need to keep it compartmentalized. I have to let other aspects of my life fill in the blanks. It’s the only way to stay sane.
Everyone goes through ups and downs. I guess one of the keys to dealing with the low points is handling them on your own time and not out in public or in a professional setting. Perhaps unfortunately for me, I’m more of the emotional type. Whenever there’s something strong brewing inside me, I have to deal with it no matter where I am. I seem to have a lot of trouble bottling things up for a more opportune time. As such I can’t help but feel like some days I’m sort of perceived as someone emotionally fragile, or unstable.
Bad.
I had one of those days today at work. I don’t know what the triggers were, but over lunch I had to take a long walk to clear the mind. As I wandered the city I started to dwell on the idea of “failure” and how it applies to me. Overall, I was just in a horrible state, and I seemed to just deteriorate as the day continued. At the moment I feel like the mini-crisis has passed, but I’m spending time just trying to figure out why this has been an issue in the first place. It’s tough. I mean, there’s a lot of good in my life. If I focus on all that, there really shouldn’t be any reason for me to sink to the dark areas. However, something just causes me to absorb these lower frequencies and it’s making me nutty. I’ve been told that I need to tap into the higher frequencies that surround me. Easier to say than to do, right?
Tomorrow is another day. I’ll go to work with my head held high. I won’t let one day define who I am and what I stand for. Enough of this shit.
In all honesty, some days I feel like I’m just walking a tightrope of some sort. This tightrope kind of represents my sanity or my happiness. I do my best to stay balanced or keep my footing, however, all too often I tip to the side and I plummet into a pool of negativity. How dramatic! Yeah, no kidding, but in all seriousness, I’ve been finding myself in a funk too often these days. How much of it is a factor of workplace instability? How much of it is due to the season? I don’t know, man. I’m doing my best to keep a level head. Some days it’s easy, but most other days are tough. I know I’ve got a lot going for me. For all intents and purposes, I shouldn’t be down at all. I mean, I well and truly have a lot going for me. I’d say that I’ve established myself and am somewhat ahead of the game on average when it comes to inwardly focused things. If that’s true, why do I feel so empty? It’s a hard call.
Oh, God, what’s wrong with me? It almost seems like I’m going through a bit of a cosmic rough patch. Left and right, I kind of feel like I’m leaving a trail of disappointed people behind me as I’m moving onward. No, it’s not my intention. I mean, is it ever, really? Who wakes up in the morning thinking “Hmm, I know! I want people to be frustrated with me!”
I’m no sociopath.
I’m finding a little irony in the fact that although I’m surrounded by people, my sense of loneliness seems to be hitting me harder. I’m doing the best I can to keep my shit together, but there’s only so long I can go before breaking. Today the universe found the chink in my armour and down I went about midday today into something of a downward spiral.
I want tomorrow to be a better day. I may have to find a way to tear myself down and build myself back up again to be stronger. Meanwhile, I’m just tired, right through to my core. Rest can’t come soon enough.
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