At some point, I need to stop analyzing the heck out of every little thought and every little detail that pops into my head. Once in a while it’s more valuable to just let things be and accept that things are the way they are. That in itself doesn’t need to be analyzed either. Just be, right?
Tag Archive: self-analysis
Being vulnerable
The other day, a friend had sent me this link figuring that I would likely find something that I could relate to in the video. Well, I suppose it goes to show that my friends seem to have a great handle on me and what makes me tick. A big theme of this TED Talk was vulnerability. It seems that it’s the root of fear and shame (a fear of disconnection), but it’s also the root of joy. If I try to avoid being vulnerable in order to avoid fear and shame, I will also end up blocking joy. Interesting concept.
When I watched this video, I immediately felt absorbed into it. The one line that really shook me was the bit where she said that the people she studied that had a sense of worthiness, love, and belonging were those that believed that they were worthy of love and belonging.
Oh man.
So after watching that video I’ve been trying to change my way of thinking. I’ve been trying to be a bit more relaxed and let the wall down. It’s hard to tell if there’s really been any major effect, but I almost feel lighter after the fact. It’s like there have been some weights that have been lifted off of my body. I’m still trying to get it all to stick. It remains to be seen what kind of longterm effects all of this will have. All I want though is all any of us ever wants: to be happy.
We’ll see.
To be worthy
The other day I was visiting an improv friend and somewhere in conversation she asked something to the effect of “What would it take you to feel worthy?” It almost sounds like an awkward question, but upon further reflection it’s actually really spot on in terms of things that I really should try to figure out. In general, do I feel “worthy”? I often don’t. And this is where all of the negative voices in my head start piping up.
People won’t like you.
You’re too intense.
You’re too strange.
Umm…you’re overweight.
Yeah: scary!
I could be doing something really well and have the respect of a lot of people but the voices may still make their presence known. Gosh, and I’m certain everyone has these voices. Perhaps I give them a lot more credence than they deserve.
Do I feel worthy? I often don’t. I’m working on it. What would it take? If I think about it, this kind of thing should not be contingent on any one thing. I need to work on just being, and being content with that.
Just being
Empty.
I’m always doing something, right? I fill my life with activities because I feel most at ease when I’m doing something. I have to be careful though because it can lead to a false sense of security. Strip all that away and am I able to be comfortable with myself? Instead of worrying about being an empty shell, can I be happy with just being?
I’m not there yet.
I’m working on it.
Writing about Jason
I’m really not fond of writing bios. I mean, I find it hard enough to write about myself as if I was the bee’s knees (whether or not that’s actually true is irrelevant). Trying to convey an idea of who I am and what drives me in just a paragraph or two is rather difficult. We’re all quite multi-layered. Can we really be summarized so easily? Or course not. However, people don’t want a whole life story, right? People don’t need to know about all of my little neuroses in all their crazy splendour. All a bio needs to do is introduce a person, and make the reader think “Hmm, this guy is kind of interesting: I want to know more.” So, even though I may want to dump everything out in an attempt to achieve a lot more clarity, there’s just no need. My actions and activities will probably speak louder than anything I may put on paper. Isn’t there some fear with that though? Someone might read my bio and think, “Yeah…I don’t care to know any more about this person.” At that point it doesn’t matter anymore if you’ve done something ridiculously wonderful. You’ve already been judged. You’ve been sorted and filed.
There’s also the matter of keeping a bio up-to-date. This particular post was kind of spurred on when I was poking around the blog and found that my “About Jason” page was getting old. A while ago I took to actually including a date as to when the page was last updated. It seemed necessary all things considered. However I may describe myself at the time of writing won’t be true even just months later. How quickly should I update? Am I really having a moment of “Oh God, people ought to know that I’ve already accomplished all of that shit”?
In some places, the required bios are almost laughably limited. How the heck do I distill myself into a handful of characters. In Twitter, I’ve got:
Comp eng, e-commerce platform dev, Waterloo grad, flat-footed runner, unintentional foodie, improviser dude, tea drinker, and single guy in the city.
Well, that’s out of date. I’m not in e-commerce anymore, right? In my flavors.me profile I have:
20-something, runner, improviser, baker/cook, programmer.
That guy.
Probably accurate. Still, writing it this way seems like I’m only as good as my activities.
Why am I complicating all of this?
In the end, how the world perceives me doesn’t hold up as being as important as how I perceive myself. I am an awesome person, and words can’t really encapsulate all of that.
Taking the edge off
It’s been a bit of a work in progress. Over the years I’ve just gotten good at being defensive and removing myself from sources of hurt. In the end, it only means that a lot of it has been bubbling under the surface. Even one small nick or scratch can cause it all to come gushing out. It’s not a good state to be in. So, lately I’ve been working on finding the sore spots and acknowledging the things associated with that pain. I’m not brushing any of it off as trivial, because obviously if there’s pain it’s at least important on some level, right? All of this work is slowly taking the edge off. Maybe I’m not as manic or loopy as I might have been just a year ago. I’m still working on it, but I like the direction I’m headed.
Ride to church
At around noon I was about to leave my place to head for church. A peeked out of my door’s peephole and spotted someone waiting by the elevator. I decided to wait until she got on before I headed out. When I closed my door, I was surprised to see that the elevator door was malfunctioning. I had experienced something similar earlier in the day when I left for run club. The elevator door had closed, then reopened on its own. It was silly, but I figured it was just a one time thing. Apparently not. The door was opening and closing for the woman several times. I got on hit the close button. The door finally closed. Turns out the woman was an older Filipino mother. She had grey hair and was pretty innocuous. I guess she recognized that I was Filipino as well so she asked if I was headed for church. I responded in Filipino in polite language. I guess she sensed that I was a good guy with the polite language, and with the missal in hand. She asked if I was headed for the nearby church. I said that I was. Out of the blue she asked if she could get a ride over. She was planning on walking, but she decided to ask. It all happened so fast, and I figured that she was harmless, so I agreed. As we walked over to my car she asked about my family and what provinces they were from. Apparently she had two kids that were about my age. Just like me, they could understand Filipino but weren’t adept at speaking it. Anyway, by the time I parked at the church I felt that I trusted her. She was too much like my own mother. In the end, I made a new acquaintance. She was very thankful for me helping her.
I know. I have a trusting nature. It’s the type of thing that can get taken advantage of. All the same, I feel like I can trust my judgement. I would like to think that I can tell if someone’s up to no good, you know? Besides, she was making as much of a judgement call on me as I was about her. Maybe it indicates that I have a general sense of faith that not everyone is out to destroy me. This is a good thing.
I’m good at this!
In talking with someone I know, we kind of identified the fact that I like to do awesome stuff to somehow get the approval of other people. ”Oh, I’m good at this! People are going to think I’m awesome!” I know it’s sort of neurotic-sounding when I frame things that way, but it’s sort of true. It’s part of why I coach. It’s part of why I do improv. It’s part of why I bake. It wouldn’t be uncommon of me to really go out of my way to do something to help out even though it would be a big time sucker for me and my personal time.
Over at my not-so-local Running Room they’re having a bit of a Canada Day potluck event on Wednesday. I wanted to contribute! I was thinking about it on my way back home from coaching. I would probably make glazed shortbread cookies, but that would require blocks of butter, which would require me to head to the store. By the time I get back it’d be about 9-ish, which would mean I have a few hours to get it all together. While I’m working on that I could multitask and work on coding a website that I volunteered to do. I could do that all while catching up on PVR’d episodes of shows that I’ve been meaning to catch up on. If I’m lucky I could get to sleep by 1 or 2 a.m. Hurray! Yeah, after outlining things that way, I decided to just let go of baking for the event. There’s just no sense in trying to cram that in. There’s no time! As much as it would be appreciated, it’s not a matter of life or death if I participate. And in not doing so people are not going to judge and say “Oh, Jason is so damn lazy!” There’s no need to kill myself for a bit of approval. If I bake it should be because I genuinely want to do it.
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