citizen of the planet

There was this reported bug in the software on which I had to investigate and provide an estimate for a fix.  After some cursory checks, I thought that the required fix was isolated and rather simple to handle.  In the end I gave an estimate of 2 hours for a fix and left it up to the client to decide whether they wanted it fixed.  Late in the day they gave me a tentative green light, so I got right down to it.

Well, the simple task that I was expected started to drag on.  I spent a good hour just trying to figure out a different issue that was blocking me from making progress on the main issue.  Two hours came and went and I still wasn’t finished.  Sure, my original idea was implemented, but as I continued to probe things it became apparent that the issue was a little bit more entangled with other parts than expected.  When I had put in my eight hours, I actually decided to stick around to continue chasing down the issue.

I was getting frustrated at the fact that things weren’t fully solved.  For a while I was determined to get things done.  Two hours after quitting time, I thought I had a solution, but I came short.  By that time, all of my colleagues were long gone.  I felt like I had danced around the issue, dotting the code landscape with snippets intended to fix things without really addressing the problem.  Seeing as how it was already mid-evening, I decided to just call it a night and head home.

So, I guess I’m wondering why I put myself through that?  While he was still in office, one of my colleagues told me that he had never seen me this excited about code in ages.  Well, yes, I was sort of excited, though not in the elated sense.  I mean, I was bouncing all of the place in the code just trying to find leads.  I was a man on a mission.  That’s part of it, right?  The other part of it must be the fact that I said that it would only take 2 hours to do.  Ha!  What the hell was I thinking?  Generally my estimates tend to be more accurate.  I’ve managed to build a reputation for knowing the system well enough to give a good timing analysis.  I don’t think I wanted to indicate that I had made a mistake.  That’s why I was determined to finish it off.  Well, after four hours of that nonsense I came to my senses.  Thank goodness.  In all seriousness, what’s the worse that can happen if I tell people that the problem is a little bit more entrenched than originally expected, right?  It’s definitely not like I brushed it off.  I gave it a good try, however, in the end the problem won out.  I really shouldn’t let my ego play into what I do at work.

Anyway, come morning I will spend another hour or two trying to see if I could finish the investigation.  Otherwise, I’ll just tell them that it’s bigger than I expected.  I don’t need other people’s approval.

I don’t know.  If you’ve been following along, maybe you can tell that there certainly are many things about my job that make me question my sanity.  Then again, I’m sure that would be true of any job, right?  Well, each time I find myself feeling a little bit down on myself for still doing what I do, I end up looking for the positives about it all.  In the end, after all is said and done it doesn’t seem so bad.

I think I can boil it down to two big points.  First of all, like I mentioned the other day, I think the bit of routine is necessary for my type of personality.  I think, if put in a situation with many options before me I might end up sitting around looking for at least some clue as to where I should be headed.  With a defined goal and a set of tasks I feel like I have purpose, know what I mean?  The second big point is that it seems like my colleagues and I have grown really close; we’re like brothers and sisters.  We’re all equally caught up in all of the bullshit.  It seems that we’ve all decided that the only way to make it through is to stick together.  I genuinely think that those of us that remain really have each other’s backs.  I’m not saying it wasn’t like this before, but as our numbers dwindle the ties seem to be growing stronger.  I remember someone telling me a while ago that no matter where you go you will find “good people.”  Of this, I have no doubt.  However, the confluence of supportive, intelligent, like-minded people we have here is just hard to imagine happening elsewhere.  There’s something special going on here; I have no other way to describe it.

So, these are some big reasons why I put up with things the way I do now.  With the ball in our hands, we have the ability to wrest a bit of control from the powers that be.  And when things are out of our hands, we’ve vowed to stay within our parameters.  Trust me.

Yeah, so what was yesterday’s post all about? To be honest it was really a matter of just venting some frustration. There was a lot of talk going around on our team that our development schedules were really quite packed, leaving very little wiggle room. That would have been all well and good, but then a bombshell was dropped on us that one of our team members just got laid off. Yeah, I totally feel bad for the guy. Thing is, he took the news really well. You could say he looked at peace with the situation. By the end of the day yesterday, I wasn’t sure I processed all of what happened. That’s why the post was very much one of shock. Today though, I think it has all been straightened out in my mind. Really, all I can do is feel fortunate that I wasn’t the one cut. Who knows how all of that could have went, right?

As I was travelling back to my car yesterday, my head understandably felt heavy. There was just a lot going on. As soon as I got to my running class though, I felt all of my troubles fading away. Why? Well, after 2 months of training, they finally got to a point where they were running ten minute intervals comfortably. From the beginning that was one of the goals we’d set for them. Starting at 1 minute of running with 2 minutes of walking, week after week they built up their endurance. Before, every time I bumped the intervals up by a minute there was much worry about whether or not they’d be able to make it. By now though, everyone was just entirely confident in their abilities. As they reached the turn around point I hung back to cheer everyone on. The look of pride in everyone’s eyes was just amazing. By the end, yes, many were tired, but that didn’t dampen the light beaming from within, you know?

That’s one goal down. In less than two weeks it’ll be race day. For many of them, it’ll be the first 5K race they’ll ever run. I’ll be there. They will do a fantastic job.

So yeah, yesterday was a day of contrast, no? Emotions ranged from being a little distraught over loss, to feeling proud from watching other achieve their goals. Highs and low. Peaks and valleys. Some days that’s just the way life goes, no?

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that I can remember. Usually, they’re really vivid: packed with small details that seem to paint an interesting picture. So, when I have a dream that’s relatively simple and to the point it worries me. It’s not that I believe that the dream is more likely to come true. My worry comes more from the fact that it feels like the point that my subconscious is trying to get across is just there. Usually I expect the messages to be shrouded and wrapped in multiple enigmas.

Anyway, what am I going on about? This past Saturday night I had a dream that I was basically fired from my current job by an old PM who had left a long while ago. I could sense there was a lot of confusion over the firing. There was some conversation beforehand, with me plainly wondering where I’d gone wrong. I don’t remember what the responses were, though I know I was getting worked up and upset. Even in my sleep state, I could feel the chemicals due to the generated emotions running through my body. I remember giving an ultimatum of sorts. I asked “well what…do you want me to come back tomorrow or should I just not show up?” With a stern look and a hint of regret, he nodded and said “you’re not to show up tomorrow.” I felt like I was punched in the gut–it was entirely shocking. I started walking away, sobbing at the rejection. I had given the job my best, and apparently it wasn’t good enough. And that’s when I woke up.

What I find interesting about this dream is the fact that I’ve dreamt about being fired in the past. The last time it happened, I didn’t feel so bad–there were no weird chemical reactions going on. This time is quite different in that regard. This time the dream hit me kind of hard, and I woke up feeling worn out. What’s going on then? Well, these days everyone’s feeling twitchy and looking for a change. One of our team members has chosen to leave for another job. The rest of us are just worn out and tired. That would explain some of the things in the forefront of my mind. It’s no surprise that the topic has appeared in a dream. Seriously.

I’m in no position to interpret the message, although on a simple level I’m guessing it’s just telling me to leave. Nonetheless, a dream is a dream: I does not have enough rooting in reality for me to act on it, right?

*grumble*