citizen of the planet

There was this reported bug in the software on which I had to investigate and provide an estimate for a fix.  After some cursory checks, I thought that the required fix was isolated and rather simple to handle.  In the end I gave an estimate of 2 hours for a fix and left it up to the client to decide whether they wanted it fixed.  Late in the day they gave me a tentative green light, so I got right down to it.

Well, the simple task that I was expected started to drag on.  I spent a good hour just trying to figure out a different issue that was blocking me from making progress on the main issue.  Two hours came and went and I still wasn’t finished.  Sure, my original idea was implemented, but as I continued to probe things it became apparent that the issue was a little bit more entangled with other parts than expected.  When I had put in my eight hours, I actually decided to stick around to continue chasing down the issue.

I was getting frustrated at the fact that things weren’t fully solved.  For a while I was determined to get things done.  Two hours after quitting time, I thought I had a solution, but I came short.  By that time, all of my colleagues were long gone.  I felt like I had danced around the issue, dotting the code landscape with snippets intended to fix things without really addressing the problem.  Seeing as how it was already mid-evening, I decided to just call it a night and head home.

So, I guess I’m wondering why I put myself through that?  While he was still in office, one of my colleagues told me that he had never seen me this excited about code in ages.  Well, yes, I was sort of excited, though not in the elated sense.  I mean, I was bouncing all of the place in the code just trying to find leads.  I was a man on a mission.  That’s part of it, right?  The other part of it must be the fact that I said that it would only take 2 hours to do.  Ha!  What the hell was I thinking?  Generally my estimates tend to be more accurate.  I’ve managed to build a reputation for knowing the system well enough to give a good timing analysis.  I don’t think I wanted to indicate that I had made a mistake.  That’s why I was determined to finish it off.  Well, after four hours of that nonsense I came to my senses.  Thank goodness.  In all seriousness, what’s the worse that can happen if I tell people that the problem is a little bit more entrenched than originally expected, right?  It’s definitely not like I brushed it off.  I gave it a good try, however, in the end the problem won out.  I really shouldn’t let my ego play into what I do at work.

Anyway, come morning I will spend another hour or two trying to see if I could finish the investigation.  Otherwise, I’ll just tell them that it’s bigger than I expected.  I don’t need other people’s approval.

I don’t know.  If you’ve been following along, maybe you can tell that there certainly are many things about my job that make me question my sanity.  Then again, I’m sure that would be true of any job, right?  Well, each time I find myself feeling a little bit down on myself for still doing what I do, I end up looking for the positives about it all.  In the end, after all is said and done it doesn’t seem so bad.

I think I can boil it down to two big points.  First of all, like I mentioned the other day, I think the bit of routine is necessary for my type of personality.  I think, if put in a situation with many options before me I might end up sitting around looking for at least some clue as to where I should be headed.  With a defined goal and a set of tasks I feel like I have purpose, know what I mean?  The second big point is that it seems like my colleagues and I have grown really close; we’re like brothers and sisters.  We’re all equally caught up in all of the bullshit.  It seems that we’ve all decided that the only way to make it through is to stick together.  I genuinely think that those of us that remain really have each other’s backs.  I’m not saying it wasn’t like this before, but as our numbers dwindle the ties seem to be growing stronger.  I remember someone telling me a while ago that no matter where you go you will find “good people.”  Of this, I have no doubt.  However, the confluence of supportive, intelligent, like-minded people we have here is just hard to imagine happening elsewhere.  There’s something special going on here; I have no other way to describe it.

So, these are some big reasons why I put up with things the way I do now.  With the ball in our hands, we have the ability to wrest a bit of control from the powers that be.  And when things are out of our hands, we’ve vowed to stay within our parameters.  Trust me.

Yeah, so what was yesterday’s post all about? To be honest it was really a matter of just venting some frustration. There was a lot of talk going around on our team that our development schedules were really quite packed, leaving very little wiggle room. That would have been all well and good, but then a bombshell was dropped on us that one of our team members just got laid off. Yeah, I totally feel bad for the guy. Thing is, he took the news really well. You could say he looked at peace with the situation. By the end of the day yesterday, I wasn’t sure I processed all of what happened. That’s why the post was very much one of shock. Today though, I think it has all been straightened out in my mind. Really, all I can do is feel fortunate that I wasn’t the one cut. Who knows how all of that could have went, right?

As I was travelling back to my car yesterday, my head understandably felt heavy. There was just a lot going on. As soon as I got to my running class though, I felt all of my troubles fading away. Why? Well, after 2 months of training, they finally got to a point where they were running ten minute intervals comfortably. From the beginning that was one of the goals we’d set for them. Starting at 1 minute of running with 2 minutes of walking, week after week they built up their endurance. Before, every time I bumped the intervals up by a minute there was much worry about whether or not they’d be able to make it. By now though, everyone was just entirely confident in their abilities. As they reached the turn around point I hung back to cheer everyone on. The look of pride in everyone’s eyes was just amazing. By the end, yes, many were tired, but that didn’t dampen the light beaming from within, you know?

That’s one goal down. In less than two weeks it’ll be race day. For many of them, it’ll be the first 5K race they’ll ever run. I’ll be there. They will do a fantastic job.

So yeah, yesterday was a day of contrast, no? Emotions ranged from being a little distraught over loss, to feeling proud from watching other achieve their goals. Highs and low. Peaks and valleys. Some days that’s just the way life goes, no?

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that I can remember. Usually, they’re really vivid: packed with small details that seem to paint an interesting picture. So, when I have a dream that’s relatively simple and to the point it worries me. It’s not that I believe that the dream is more likely to come true. My worry comes more from the fact that it feels like the point that my subconscious is trying to get across is just there. Usually I expect the messages to be shrouded and wrapped in multiple enigmas.

Anyway, what am I going on about? This past Saturday night I had a dream that I was basically fired from my current job by an old PM who had left a long while ago. I could sense there was a lot of confusion over the firing. There was some conversation beforehand, with me plainly wondering where I’d gone wrong. I don’t remember what the responses were, though I know I was getting worked up and upset. Even in my sleep state, I could feel the chemicals due to the generated emotions running through my body. I remember giving an ultimatum of sorts. I asked “well what…do you want me to come back tomorrow or should I just not show up?” With a stern look and a hint of regret, he nodded and said “you’re not to show up tomorrow.” I felt like I was punched in the gut–it was entirely shocking. I started walking away, sobbing at the rejection. I had given the job my best, and apparently it wasn’t good enough. And that’s when I woke up.

What I find interesting about this dream is the fact that I’ve dreamt about being fired in the past. The last time it happened, I didn’t feel so bad–there were no weird chemical reactions going on. This time is quite different in that regard. This time the dream hit me kind of hard, and I woke up feeling worn out. What’s going on then? Well, these days everyone’s feeling twitchy and looking for a change. One of our team members has chosen to leave for another job. The rest of us are just worn out and tired. That would explain some of the things in the forefront of my mind. It’s no surprise that the topic has appeared in a dream. Seriously.

I’m in no position to interpret the message, although on a simple level I’m guessing it’s just telling me to leave. Nonetheless, a dream is a dream: I does not have enough rooting in reality for me to act on it, right?

*grumble*

Honestly, where the heck did February go? No kidding. March is upon us which means the equinox is just around the corner. I don’t think that winter has ever affected me as much as it has this season. I often comment about how much I enjoy it and how trudging through snow builds character, blah blah blah. Yeah, I still believe that, but for whatever reason the burden just feels heavier than usual.

First and foremost, I can attribute it to continuing training through the snowy months. It’s been a sacrifice to leave work early and commute north to join my running group. I’ve continued to run through blowing snow and biting winds. There were times when my thighs felt close to being frostbitten. I don’t mind. It’s been a fun and refreshing experience. It’s allowed me to maintain a level of fitness through a season where I’m usually relatively complacent. Still, it’s a different experience for me to be this committed to an activity and not have a down season. Perhaps the injury is my body’s way of forcing me to take some time off. Who knows?

In terms of work, projects are still being scheduled into the tight confines of the time line. Some days I almost feel like the client is asking to use me as a resource on more projects just because I’m the pack mule and capable of the weight. Tch. Just because I’m capable of it doesn’t mean that I should be pushed to my limits. I keep saying that I need time off. I haven’t scheduled anything yet, but I do know that I have one leftover vacation day from last year that I need to use up by the end of this month. It would be improper and ridiculous to let that day expire so I’m going to force myself to get away sometime soon.

On the housing front, this season has brought me a swift kick to the nuts. Actually, no, I suppose I can’t characterize it as that because there’s a good side to it all. The postponement is just tough on the mind. I mean, getting psyched for the move has been a slow process for me. I’ve been cautious about getting excited knowing that such delays happen. Then, in December they gave a confirmed final date. At that point there was a finish line: there was some finality. That’s when I allowed myself to start feeling great about it. Buying the appliances was a fantastic experience. And then…the date was bumped. I seriously cannot allow myself to get my expectations up so soon until there’s more evidence of finality. I mean, when I look at the building today, the balconies are under construction, and bricks are up on the ground floor. Still, as far as I’m concerned, those are meaningless to me: I need to force myself to contain any excitement.

These are a few reasons why this has been a relatively trying season for me. I’m not saying that it’s all been one downer after another, because a lot of good things have happened as well. I love my new car. It performed excellently on my trip to Burlington. I had absolutely no issues with acceleration–I felt that it was actually kind of zippy. Fuel economy for the trip seemed great too. Anyway, I think the result of all of this is that I’m anticipating the return of spring a lot more than I ever have in the past. I’m feeling the sunlight more strongly. In the mornings, I’ve noticed that sunlight pierces my blinds at an earlier time now. I’ve been toying with the idea of just turning my alarm clock off and waking up with the sun. Sounds great, but I actually question whether I can trust myself to actually wake up properly at a proper time. What if it’s a rainy day? Hmm.

What are my expectations for the month and for the upcoming season? Well, for one thing, I’m hoping to take better care of myself. When I return to my training I am going to attack it with measured fervour. I plan on saying “no” more often. I plan on having more courage. At the end of the month, the braces are coming off–I need to find more self-confidence.

If spring is a time for new beginnings, I’m going to work to plant as many positive seeds as I can.

I have a pile of lieu days that I need to use up.  I was figuring that given that Family Day is taking place on Monday I should try to extend the long weekend even further by requesting Tuesday and Wednesday off.  I’ve said it many times: I really need time to just get away from the office.  Well, I passed the idea by my PM.

The result of the request?  Denied.

Apparently there’s some project documentation that I need to get done, and that can’t wait until after my short break.  I seem to be needed.

That’s just fantastic.

Granted, I’m not as close to my (work|bullshit|stress) thresholds as I was just a short while ago, but still.  This is now the second time my request for time off has been rejected at this company.  The last time this happened was late in December 2006.  I was working on a project with one other person who wasn’t helpful at all.  I was basically left working on the project on my own while he was on vacation.  I was so stressed out back then that even my friends noticed how I was a shell of my usual self.  I asked my PM if he could give me time off around Christmas, but he had to reject it because I was asking way too close to the dates I wanted off.  The client expected X amount of resources and they couldn’t be short-changed by me taking time off on a whim.  To be honest, I’m sure that’s what’s happened this time.

I’m not as bitter about this rejection though, because, yes, I can deal with having to get my tasks done.  I can hang in there a little bit longer, for sure.  I suppose I can call in sick, but the idea of shirking doesn’t sit well with me.  I almost think that one day it *will* affect my health, at which point I’ll be screwed.  Awesome.

I was having a very sound sleep session last night when I heard some light buzzing coming from nearby. I checked my phone and noticed that there was a missed call and a message for me. Hmm. Who could call at 2 a.m.? I had a good idea who it was, and my suspicions were confirmed when I listened to the voicemail. It was the team lead, requesting some help. When I heard it, I knew that it must be bad if he had to leave a message at such a time. Unfortunately, he didn’t leave a number that I could call him at so I fired a quick email to his blackberry. He replied quickly with a request for me to go online.

When I went online, I was told of a mini-crisis with directives coming straight from the guy that owns the client. The team lead and I had to spend time debugging something–figuring out why something was happening, and under what circumstances. Oh, man. This whole ordeal lasted for 5 hours. No kidding. At one point, my alarm clock actually went off. The familiar voices of the radio DJs were basically telling me to wake up, but how could I wake up if I hadn’t even gotten to the point of getting proper sleep? The irony killed me. Or maybe that was the fatigue.

After pushing our fix into production, it was easy enough for me to just rollover and get back to sleep. I got about 3 hours of sleep before waking up and heading back into office. I actually made it in just before noon. To tell you the truth, I haven’t been feeling awesome at all, but really, given the circumstances, why should I feel so fresh? I did get some kind words from people on the client-side as well as some people on my end. My time is apparently valuable. Who knew?

You know, it’s only after events like this that I come to realizations about my work ethic. Despite my frequent bitching and complaining and bouts of sarcasm in terms of the work, I actually do take some pride in what’s being produced. Sure, the site looks kind of pants right now, but that’s not under my control. I’m more concerned with the fact that the site works as promised, and that the client is happy. So, despite being asked to do things at an ungodly hour last night, I was actually OK with it all. More than anything, it felt like necessary. I almost feel a little bit crazy for feeling that way, but at the same time it’s something that makes perfect sense to me. That’s not to say that I can do this type of thing daily–I’d go crazy if that was the case. However, going the extra distance once in a while is entirely doable.

All that being said…it’s time I took a break. Soon.

So, today the client said something to me that could be read as either innocent, or completely nasty. At first, I took what was written in an innocent sense, but the more I read the few sentences over, the bitchier the words became. After a while I was steaming mad and just blocked everyone out. I didn’t take any messages or calls–I was in no mood. That just sent my mood down the crapper. The anger gave way to apathy, and eventually I thought to myself: “man, work really just makes me dead inside.”

Whoa.

OK, so I’m quite sure this mini-crisis will pass quickly enough, but more than anything I’m pretty sure that this over-reacting is a sign that burnout aftershocks are still occurring, and if I’m not careful I’ll find myself in a full-on relapse from which I’d probably have a lot more difficulty in terms of recovery. In all honesty, I’m starting to consider that I may be becoming a little bit mentally unstable. Although…if I recognize it, does it really make me unstable? Hmm. No matter.

Tomorrow is another day. It should be better.