So, a while ago, I was reading back through my entries during this next time frame and the overall feelings that I got from them were strong and seemingly pure in some strange sense. It’s hard to describe. Anger, sadness, lonliness, resolve, fear–it was all very manifest. I’m not sure how much I can really capture in a small entry like this. I mean, so much of what I’m getting is a result of those images already being in my head. Anyway, here goes.

**Fall 2004**
After one year of preparation, it all came down to one week of solid controlled chaos. Frosh week is an unbelievably insane period on so many fronts. Visibly, it’s quite insane for the attendees, as well as the leaders involved. However, the side that isn’t seen by most is just the heavy burden that we, the organizers, took upon ourselves. I’d been attending weekly meetings. We were solidly planning things right up till the last minute. None of it could have prepared me for all the things that happened.

I don’t think I’ve said all that much regarding the events themselves in previous blog entries and such. I think I’m going to keep it that way. I mean, no one really needs to know that stuff in detail. Let’s say though that it was a tough period on my mental state. I stated the day before the first day of events that I had already cried a few times. Well, I cried even more during the week itself. I didn’t feel strong enough. I crumbled under the pressure so many times. Hmm…how can I articulate this? Well, one of my main functions for the week was to act as sort of an emcee for the week. At the same time, I’m supposed to be a scary guy that demands respect. Now, for those that know me…it’s a tough fit. I’m not scary at all; I’m a pussycat. Out of the four of us, however, my eventual partner and I were the best fits for the job–at least, compared to the other two. You see, of those two, one definitely didn’t want to have my job, and the other had never worked with the group of leaders that I was heading, and so he really had no clue what to do with that group.

Anyway, in the days leading up to the event, I was putting so much work into the backend group administration stuff that I honestly did not pay enough attention to the scripts that I was supposed to learn, or whether my attire was appropriate for my role. When it came down to it, I didn’t feel the part at all. I didn’t feel entirely fierce; I was really blowing things out of my ass (if you’ll pardon the expression). It’s interesting. I guess people bought into the act, but it wasn’t too convincing at all. I’ll admit it. I swear, by the last night, I dropped the weak act and gave in to laughing and smiling where appropriate. Many of the sticklers would not have approved. Well, those same sticklers really wouldn’t care anyway about my state of mind anyway, so they wouldn’t have understood at all.

Thing is, this is perhaps the most organized week that has ever happened, with little to no big problems. However, people won’t remember that much. They’ll just say that it was a tame week. I probably won’t be remembered at all. Maybe it’s for the best, you know?

You know, in the wake of the week, this was so much in the forefront of my mind. Why wouldn’t it be? It kind of hurt to think that perhaps I was a failure at my job. Since then, my attitude has changed. I mean, I poured myself into everything that happened. I got wind that some of the rituals I implemented for the leaders I led have stayed there in subsequent years. So fuck it all. It’s now…2 years onward.

Shortly after the week, the rest of my roommates moved in. We were living in the townhouses northwest of the university. I was kind of interested in talking to them. Y, M, S were still the same, I guess. I was still high on all of the chemicals that frosh week caused my glands to secrete. I wanted to share with them all the stories of my exploits and such. However, not once did they ask about how things went. Actually, there was a simple “Oh how did that go?” from Y or M (I don’t recall). All I replied was a simple “good” because I could tell that they weren’t interested in hearing more. I was kind of hurt by the disinterest. Because of the nature of the hurt, it was a long lasting one. What could I have done anyway? Asked them to gather around for storytime? Nope. Of course not.

That term really led to full estrangement from the trio. It was really difficult because those three were really my core when it came to friendships at school. Such is life. Several things led to that. First was the fact that they took swimming lessons as a group. This group included the usual circle of extended friends that came along to such things. It was the same group that came along for things like ballroom dancing and skating lessons. Well, I chose not to join in. The reasons to me are obvious. I mean, the big one for me is that my back is kind of scarred. I’m also not into the idea of taking of my shirt. I’m not exactly fit. Hmm…I remember once how S was commenting how he was embarassed to take his shirt off because he was too skinny. Psht. Society is such that somewhat skinny is totally more accepted than somewhat larger. I just wasn’t comfortable back then to join them (so imagine the breakthrough I made in Japan by going to the baths). Anyway, they had their fun. They built stronger bonds over newly found activities like waterpolo. I wasn’t anywhere in the picture. *shrug*

In order to compensate for the lack of socializing in the house, I made stronger links with my classmates and other friends. I did IEEE stuff, for instance. That took me out of the house a few times. I had projects to work on overnight. That is to say, there were projects that forced me to stay in the labs and work out a viable solution. Those came frequently. I can vividly remember staring at computer screens, working on ECE380 labs till freaking 4 in the morning. There were times I’d make the long trek over to Jenelle’s house to watch CI with her friends. Those people were really friendly. I ended up going to an Avril concert with them in Toronto a few days before my birthday. That was just beyond awesome. That same birthday weekend, Yuki, Raien and Jonathan came over from Toronto to spend time with me. I swear, that was one of the nicest thing that friends have ever EVER done for me. I will never forget that wonderful gesture.

Making new friends and building strong relationships outside of the house was an awesome feeling. At the same time, the shift wasn’t lost on my roommates. I think it was M that made an offhand comment about me not being around them all that much. She said something about me not making an effort much anymore, using not swimming as an example. That really struck me as being harsh. Maybe I had some personal reasons not to swim, you know? She didn’t understand my situation. As well, it’s not like she was making big efforts to get to know me better either, know what I mean?

When I think about it now, I kind of think that I should have been a very angry man back then. However, to tell you the truth, I started off feeling sad. I was losing them as friends; especially S. Ever since the start of that term, he and I were kind of on non-speaking terms. How did that happen? I have no clue where it started. I know though that I wanted to confirm some theories about our friendship that had come up before. For instance, if I didn’t make an effort to strike up conversation and warm up to him, would he step up and attempt to start the friendship again? Would he at least ask if something was wrong? So, I didn’t really talk to him at the start. In the end, he never really made any attempt to be friendly to me, so that’s how things went the whole term. I remember wishing him a happy Thanksgiving, and all he did was grunt back with disinterest. Somewhere along the way he just unceremoniously removed me from his MSN list. I eventually turned bittter and angry at my situation, leading to my “nuts to this” attitude. I mean, honestly, why should I have to deal with that crap? I found strength in the fact that I could socialize elsewhere, and it was great. To this date, I don’t know what happened. Someone I spoke to came up with the theory that he thought I was gay and was therefore avoiding me. It’s possible, however if he thought that and was avoiding me as a result, that would really make him an asshole. I mean, I loved him, but not in that way, thanks. Heh. Oh well. It’s all past now, yeah. That being said, I’m not interested in meeting him anytime soon. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard anything from the girls at all. They could have been abducted by aliens for all I know. Whatever. *shrug*

As I mentioned above, school was causing me to spend many sleepless nights in the labs. The big time eating culprits were my digital controls course and my VHDL course. Keith and I would stay in the labs for long periods trying to collect data, then interpreting them. The class was absolutely horrid. The prof was excruciatingly boring. I eventually got to the point where I was just napping through class so often that I found no point in attending class anymore. I didn’t buy the theory that even through sleeping I was still learning. Bullshit. Either way I’d end up learning the material on my own all over again a few days before the exam anyway. VHDL wasn’t any better either. I once thought that I would excel in this course. However, after a while it became clear that this field wasn’t for me. I don’t know what it was about the course, but I hated it. My marks reflected that. This horrendous term gave me an average of…67: nothing to write home about. Sigh! It’s OK. I knew that Keith and Henrick were in the same boat, so it wasn’t so bad. Ah, speaking of those two, this was the first term where we really started working on the FYDP. It was my first introduction to our fourth member, whose personality would clash with mine on multiple occasions. I’ve yelled at him, I’ve rolled my eyes, I’ve sassed him: all with merit. One event comes to mind in particular. We decided to include him in our group for our VHDL projects. During one all nighter, he just kept on asking me about a document that was being typed up. He just kept on asking. I got to the point (at probably 4 or 5 in the morning) where I just yelled at the guy to stop bothering me about the thing. The whole room (the four of us) sat in stunned silence (for at least a few minutes. I felt bad, but what can you do?

I think that’s all I care to write about my 3B experience, yeah? It’s more than enough.