Tag Archive: what if

Lost keys to doomsday

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Wed. March 31, 2010

Every once in a while I need a bit of a scare to keep me from getting far too complacent with my daily routine. After work, after getting off the train I was walking home thinking about all of the things I needed to do when I got back to my place. As I approached my building I opened my bag to fetch my keys. After pawing around my messenger bag pocket, I noticed that my keys weren’t there. I started fishing through my pants pockets, but they weren’t there either. I didn’t want to look all frantic while standing at the side of the road so I decided to just keep walking around my building as I searched my bag. I kept searching and walking but found nothing. Soon I was back at the main road, at which point I decided to just trek back to work. I figured that if my keys weren’t with me the next likely place would be at my desk. Of course, right? Thing is, it’s a 40 minute trip back. Unfortunately that long trip gave me enough time to let the fertile soil of my mind sprout various scenarios.

The ride back in was a bit rough. There was a delay along the east-west line so a lot of the ride was jerky. As a result of the uneven ride I was feeling a little bit queasy. The thought of me totally misplacing my keys was just compounding things. I’m supposed to be the responsible one with everything together, right? Yeah, I know that doesn’t exclude me from having mental lapses, but something this bad shouldn’t happen. I started imagining worst case scenarios. What if I’d dropped my keys somewhere such that someone could figure out where I lived? Yeah, impossible since there’s nothing to link the keys to a specific address, but what if? I was dreading the thought of having to call the manager to get me into my suite. I was dreading the thought of having to change all the locks. Doomsday! End of the world! All of this over-thinking actually made me physically sick. Yes, I know: over-reacting horribly.

Anyway, I did make it back to my desk. When I got there I was mildly disappointed to not see them on my desk. I opened the drawer and there they were. How the hell did they get in there? Seriously, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Perhaps in a moment of quick celebration I stepped over to the nearby bar and downed a pint of Sapporo. I wandered around from there and ended up sitting in front of Toronto City Hall eating a poutine from the blue chip truck. I was kind of angry at myself for letting my emotional mind go a bit haywire. I mean, it’s all totally irrational. My mind was still a little bit muddled so I think I wanted to do something relaxing in a beautiful setting. Hence the fries in front of ever awesome city hall. From there I ended up wandering up Yonge observing random people going about their business, and observing them observing me.

Anyway, crisis was averted, and there was no harm done in the end. Still, that doesn’t excuse the fact that I was a little bit insane. I let my guard down. Don’t want it to happen again.

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If I hadn’t stepped out of the bubble

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Sun. January 17, 2010

I was just reflecting on this a little bit earlier. Some days I wonder what life would be like if I continued living a somewhat cowardly existence by continuing to put up with the people who made me feel inferior, or like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I think back then all I wanted was a little approval. Really, isn’t that what all of us want? In the end, we all just want people to like us for who we are. And yet, years ago, I was in some situation where I just didn’t feel right.

Back then, due to circumstance I was always the odd one out. It’s hard when everyone else is working on one thing and you’re off in your own world toiling away on things that they couldn’t care less about. It was in this environment that I was trying to find a way in. Despite my serious nature, in a home setting I’m easy enough to get along with. My will to please was running rampant. In particular, there was one person with whom I used to be close with, but over time it turned into personal rejection after personal rejection. Despite this, I didn’t really realize right away that my life didn’t have to revolve around these people. Looking back, my heart kind of breaks for that old Jason. Poor, poor fool.

It wasn’t until a chance encounter, and invitation to watch Idol with people that I didn’t know that well, that it dawned on me that life outside of the bubble was entirely possible. I realized that there are people out there that could possibly accept me in all of my eccentric and maladjusted glory. That’s when I started extricating myself from the poison. Case in point that no one really cared: I haven’t received any contact at all from any one of those old people. Sure, communication is a two way street, but I’m not letting them off the hook. Seeing as how the relationship was lopsided away from my favour, I’m not the one that needs to reach out. Screw that.

So, if I had stayed in that situation, I would be a totally different person that I am today. First of all though, I question whether I would have been able to put up with all that for much longer than I did. I surely think I’d be more messed up than I already was. I have a need for people to like me. Without having that need fulfilled, I think I’d mentally feel like a total failure. I’d still be trying hard to please them. The level of absurdity of the lengths I’d go would probably be higher. Overall, I don’t see myself being content, and depression would have sunk in long ago.

Enough of that though. Yes, all of that is very doom and gloom isn’t it? Let me state that I’ve very glad that I stepped out of that realm. If it wasn’t for that, I might not have gotten closer with friends that eventually became future roommates. I might not have had the improvements in my grades that I was able to achieve since my mind would have been occupied elsewhere. I would not have bonded so strongly with my university classmates because instead of spending time in the labs I would have been in the unit with the others. I am so fortunate that I have these connections with classmates; some of them are still going strong after all these years. More than anything, I’m glad that I was able to find myself. I was able to realize that I am worth my time. I am hardly broken; I am unique. I suppose then that the experiences I had before do serve a purpose after all. They’ve made me stronger and more confident in myself.

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Milestones over har gow

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Sat. February 7, 2009

It seems like every day for the past few days I’ve had some sort of de-stressing outing. Thursday night I went out to Kelsey’s with a friend. Friday night I went a local bar with colleagues. I met with some friends for dim sum earlier today. Have I now fully recovered? Umm, I’m getting there, certainly. I guess I’ll wait to see how I feel on Monday after I’ve had my long run on Sunday.

Anyway, while eating today milestones were discussed. It was brought to my attention how I’ve already met so many except for the one that’s sort of making V-day more of an annoyance than anything. So often I play down the fact that my condo is coming, and that I have a car, and a decent job. I just don’t realize how well I really have a lot of my ducks all lined up in a row. That’s great, for sure. I mean, I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. I could be forgiven then, I guess, for worrying about what would happen if it all came crashing down. Given the economic climate, what if I suddenly lost my job? It’s entirely possible. How will I make car payments? How will I cover the mortgage? Having this fear is sort of a way to encourage myself to not be complacent, know what I mean? I can’t afford to have poor work ethic for an extended period. It would be one thing to be laid off due to circumstances outside of my control, but if I would ever get fired for being a slacker then I wouldn’t have any excuse at all. I’d be doomed. Doomed!

I guess what I’m saying is that I can’t take any of this for granted. I need to continue to work hard and strive to do better. All of this came to me while eating har gow. Go figure.

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Waiting is the hard part

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Thu. January 22, 2009

So, earlier this morning, according to the Canada Post website my package was in my end of the city and had the status: “Item out for delivery.” Nice! My waiting would soon come to an end. Throughout the work day I was hitting refresh on the tracker hoping for an update saying that the package was delivered home or that a notice was left at the door. Either would have been sufficient. Thing is, no updates happened at all. By 5 p.m. I was a little bit pissed. You’d think that “Item out for delivery” would mean that it was en route. So where the heck is it?

I’m sure it’ll arrive tomorrow, though if it doesn’t I’m going to raise a little hell with Canada Post and Best Buy. As much I know the item(s) in question are in demand right now, I expect things to be secure. That’s why there’s a damn tracking number, right? I can play all these “what if” scenarios in my head but in the end that won’t get me anywhere.

Patience, patience.

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Fine on my own

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Sat. May 3, 2008

Over dinner there was some talk about how my father was finding work a bit physically difficult. I often worry about my parents, playing “what if” games in terms of them being able to pay the bills and other things. What if my father is suddenly unable to work? What if they can’t pay off the mortgage? What if, what if, what if? It was starting to mess with my head. I spoke to my mother about my worries earlier tonight. All she told me was “don’t worry!” Whatever life throws at them, it seems like they’re prepared.

Sometimes I forget that my parents are quite fine on their own. I mean, with the three of us always together, it’s easy to think otherwise, know what I mean? All of this talk though sort of makes me wonder, is this worry really about them? I know I’m capable. When my condo is done and I’m out of here, I’ll have everything under control–I know that. However, will I be able to keep myself well grounded without them? At least I know that my self-consciousness will be an asset in this case. Perhaps I’m just dealing with a bit of a fear of the unknown. Guess I’ll just try to listen to what my mother says and not worry about what doesn’t need to be worried about, yeah? I certainly don’t need this bogging down the remainder of my Saturday.

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Indulging in a game of “what if?”

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Thu. November 8, 2007

As I was just sitting around, I was thinking about what it would be like if I were to take up some sort of vice. I mean, in many stories you’ll read about the main character having a shadow of some sort as a complement to the character’s light. It’s that type of character that often makes a story so much more enjoyable. So, if I’m the main actor in my story, where’s my shadow? Certainly, I’ve got character flaws. I could list them in this entry, but I’m not in the right state of mind to do so (right now). Character flaws tend to be more subtle though, right? What if I took up something a little bit more flashy? I mean, say I took up smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling…wonder where that would put me?

I’m not asking to make my life difficult via these avenues. It’s just a little interesting to imagine myself in some parallel universe with my life pretty much the same except for one variable tweaked. Jason is a man of many layers–how would I expect him to react if, for example, he had a drinking issue? What would he feel like in society if he only had four toes on his right foot? If he had a tattoo, what would it be and where would he have it?

As much as I often talk about the concept of existentialism–just being–these kinds of thoughts are fun. It’s a bit of escapism. I guess indulging in a game of “what if” once in a while is a good thing because really it can help you appreciate where you are right now, and help you figure out where you can make changes.

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