citizen of the planet

A year has passed since my last evaluation, and as of today I handed in my comments on my newest eval.  Due to all of the strangeness in the past year, the whole process was just odd.  I mean, part of the evaluation is supposed to address what plans are in place to further develop my position.  Well, sure, that’s all well and good except for the fact that there’s pretty much a drop dead date for my current position.  Oops.  Who knows what will happen in 2.5 months time?  There have been some suggestions as to what’s possible, but nothing is concrete.

As far how the last year went, it was difficult to use the previous evaluation as a reference to see what goals I’ve achieved.  Back then I was on a certain path, and truthfully there was kind of a sense of hope that was instilled into me.  As I wrote last year, I was told to have a little faith that change was going to come.  Indeed, change really did come, but it wasn’t in the form we’d discussed.  Bit by bit, things began to unravel.  It wasn’t through any fault of my own.  Still, I was sort of forced to abandon whatever path I was on to take on something different.

So, I did my best to adapt and face the challenges head on and I think I’ve succeeded.  The actual evaluation part went well enough as far as I’m concerned.  It was done by my two previous project managers.  They were able to comment on everything except for the technical aspects of my job.  Usually that would be done by my team lead, except for the fact that the team no longer has one.  For the past half year my colleague and I have been taking on all of the team lead responsibilities in an effort to keep the team going.  Anyway, my managers did their best to evaluate my performance, but in the end I suggested dragging my colleague in to get his opinion on how I’ve done.  We got him in and we just started discussing every point.  When all was said and done my evaluation was quite favourable.  It remains to be seen what that will translate to.  Feeling good about doing a good job only goes so far.  I need some sort of recognition prior to dropping dead, you know.

I have today and tomorrow off, but if I have to wake up tomorrow at 7 a.m. in order to do some server maintenance, is it really a vacation after all?

That’s it.  I’m charging double.

Very interesting night for me.  Most of it was pretty unplanned, which is kind of fascinating for me because spontaneity isn’t generally something I’m known for.

Yes, this coming from someone taking improv classes, but anyway…

So, this story starts at work.  I was having a rough day, just questioning a lot about my past, and my general self-worth in terms of my career.  I mean, really, if I look back to university, I’m hearing about a lot of my former classmates doing great things in our field.  In comparison, what the heck am I doing with myself?  And why is there so much turmoil at the moment?  Anyway, I ended up staying at work for a while just talking with colleagues and discussing my options.  As I did I was drinking a large amount of tea just to keep my system busy.  Before I knew it, it was past 6 p.m. so I left and decided to walk my frustrations out.  Somewhere along the way I decided to just walk along the subway line as far east as I could toward my place.  I figured that if I get tired somewhere along the way I could just bail and go underground.

A good 70 minutes or so into my trek, I started feeling the urge to go to the bathroom.  Instead of bailing, I decided to just stop at the next available Tim Hortons.  I was at the one at Sherbourne and Bloor and ordered a small coffee because I didn’t want to just use the washroom without getting anything–that’s just rude, isn’t it?  As I received my coffee I looked around and didn’t notice a washroom.  I asked about it and I was told to head to the McDonalds down the road.  Curses!  I drank my coffee and headed out and saw that the McD was a good distance west.  Instead of backtracking I just decided to tough it out and continue eastward.

OK, so I made it to the next subway station, at which point I was totally tempted to quit and head home.  However, I saw that I was close to the Bloor Viaduct.  I’d always wanted to walk across it so I skipped the station and decided to trek across.  Before getting there out of the corner of my eye I saw some guy staggering in my direction.  I kind of ignored him and went along my way.  As I passed him I smelled that he was smoking a joint.  Wow…mildly bold, right?  I noticed that at both ends of the bridge there was a phone booth and a sign indicating that if anyone is distressed they should call the listed phone number.  Interesting.  I mean, I know that the bridge is known for being a hot spot for jumpers, but wow.

After crossing, I made it to the next station, I decided to just proceed eastward because I was rather close to the theatre where I take my improv classes.  I was just curious to see what shows were playing this night.  I checked the listings in the window but I wasn’t entirely gripped.  However, by that point I really had to pee so I ventured inside.  Since a show was starting in 5-10 minutes I decided to just buy a ticket.  After relieving myself I sat down and took in the show.  Playing was Macro Neato, in which advanced students take suggestions and put on a good show.  Frankly, I was interested in seeing the improv principles that I was learning be put into action by people that have been doing it for a while.  I was able to recognize people making offers and seeing other people running with them.  I saw a couple of them struggle briefly, which was comforting to me because it showed that even after a lot of practice and stage time it’s still possible to draw blanks on occasion.

You know, I was prepared to just enjoy the show, but by chance I somehow made it onto stage.  No kidding.  There was one scene where there were two people working in the back of a kitchen as cooks.  They were starting to rebel against their boss when the boss pointed out the angry customers that were still waiting for their food.  One of the performers actually sat down next to me.  I was wondering what was going on until she said that she and her husband had been waiting for their eggs for ages and were angry at the cooks.  It took me a moment before I realized that I was her spouse.  I didn’t say anything, but I nodded with the angry wife and tried to look frustrated, too.  The cooks complained that they were better at other things.  One of them suggested that they used to be in Cirque de Soleil.  The performer next to me picked up on that and suggested that they perform.  So the cooks went back up on stage.  The performer–my wife–headed for the stage too but beckoned for me to come with her.  Umm…OK.  I didn’t know what else to do so I went up with her.  At one point the person playing the boss yelled “Who the heck is this schmuck in my kitchen???”  I just shrugged and played along with the wife.  When the cooks did a move, the wife clapped and looked at me.  I just clapped along furiously trying to look amazed.  Aaaand, then the scene ended and I was sent back to my seat.  Honestly, that was a lot of fun for me.  I didn’t refuse anything that was asked of me and just went with the flow, which is pretty much a big aspect of improv, isn’t it?  I enjoyed it.

In the second half of the show they were taking suggestions for movie genres.  I threw out burlesque as one.  That was tossed out.  After a few more from others I yelled out “spaghetti western!”  That almost got chosen but the emcee kept going.  I finally offered “cheap disaster flick!” which the emcee took and got the ball rolling.  All of the improv in that section had to be disaster films.  That was fun.  They did really well with that suggestion.  All in all, it was a great night.  After the performance, there was a chance to participate in “The Jam” which is open to anyone in terms of performing.  I would have stayed, but I didn’t feel confident enough.  Then again, the event was designed for all skill levels.  Still, I think I wanted to just head home at that point.  Maybe another time.

So yeah, that’s my night.  Because of work it could have turned into a self-pity night, but I was able to forget my worries.  After a good night’s sleep I can face tomorrow with new vigour.

There really is something a little messed up with having to do your job and talk about aspects of it that don’t apply to you because of the imminence of the end of your employment.

“Oh, but we don’t have to worry about that because we won’t be here.”

Seriously?  What the hell?  That really plays havoc with your mind because it really underlines the idea that you are expendable.  Granted, that’s true of any job at any company.  I mean, it can be assumed that things will continue and that it will be business as usual even if you’re no longer a contributor.  Still, when you have a countdown doom clock looming over your head it’s very hard to keep your morale up.

For me, most days it’s easy to deal with because I know that I have to remain professional and continue to provide the levels of service that are expected of me.  On some days it’s a lot more difficult.  It’s like we’re happily helping the executioner go shopping for an axe.

What kind of messed up situation is this???

On these tougher days I need to remind myself that it’s just a job, and that it’s just business.  It’s the way things go, and it’s not personal in the least.  It’s not a commentary either on the quality of work that I’ve produced.  I know, they know, everyone that knows me knows that I care about my work.  So, I can take comfort (perhaps) in knowing that it’s not because of anything I did.  To everything there is a start and an end.  Still, having that knowledge isn’t helping my mood in any way.

Today I was fortunate enough to have the client compliment me and tell me that I’ve been on top of my game lately.  How nice, right?  Thing is, in my mind, I haven’t done anything different outside of my usual effort levels.  Nope, nope, nope.  So what’s so different these days?  Well, without as many people on the team to help out, a lot of the responsibilities lie directly on my shoulders.  There just aren’t that many people there now to spread out the work such that the load is sensible.  A while ago there were enough layers of separation allowing me to focus on doing my thing while maintaining a low visibility.  Now, I’m on the front lines fighting the good fight.  This late in the game, it seems like this is the time for me to shine.  Question is, do I want to burn that brightly?  Don’t I need to save some energy in reserve for those special times?  I think, given the fact that time is ticking down to my impending doom, I might as well just go for it when it makes sense.

You can’t accuse me of not working hard enough.

Nope, nope, nope.

When the team was larger, thing were a little bit more tolerable because at least the workload was more spread out.  Now, as our numbers are dwindling it’s just becoming more and more difficult.  This is especially true on a day like today that involved a code release.  Handling an eleven hour work day, with a good number of those hours on my own, is just too much.

*sigh*

There was this reported bug in the software on which I had to investigate and provide an estimate for a fix.  After some cursory checks, I thought that the required fix was isolated and rather simple to handle.  In the end I gave an estimate of 2 hours for a fix and left it up to the client to decide whether they wanted it fixed.  Late in the day they gave me a tentative green light, so I got right down to it.

Well, the simple task that I was expected started to drag on.  I spent a good hour just trying to figure out a different issue that was blocking me from making progress on the main issue.  Two hours came and went and I still wasn’t finished.  Sure, my original idea was implemented, but as I continued to probe things it became apparent that the issue was a little bit more entangled with other parts than expected.  When I had put in my eight hours, I actually decided to stick around to continue chasing down the issue.

I was getting frustrated at the fact that things weren’t fully solved.  For a while I was determined to get things done.  Two hours after quitting time, I thought I had a solution, but I came short.  By that time, all of my colleagues were long gone.  I felt like I had danced around the issue, dotting the code landscape with snippets intended to fix things without really addressing the problem.  Seeing as how it was already mid-evening, I decided to just call it a night and head home.

So, I guess I’m wondering why I put myself through that?  While he was still in office, one of my colleagues told me that he had never seen me this excited about code in ages.  Well, yes, I was sort of excited, though not in the elated sense.  I mean, I was bouncing all of the place in the code just trying to find leads.  I was a man on a mission.  That’s part of it, right?  The other part of it must be the fact that I said that it would only take 2 hours to do.  Ha!  What the hell was I thinking?  Generally my estimates tend to be more accurate.  I’ve managed to build a reputation for knowing the system well enough to give a good timing analysis.  I don’t think I wanted to indicate that I had made a mistake.  That’s why I was determined to finish it off.  Well, after four hours of that nonsense I came to my senses.  Thank goodness.  In all seriousness, what’s the worse that can happen if I tell people that the problem is a little bit more entrenched than originally expected, right?  It’s definitely not like I brushed it off.  I gave it a good try, however, in the end the problem won out.  I really shouldn’t let my ego play into what I do at work.

Anyway, come morning I will spend another hour or two trying to see if I could finish the investigation.  Otherwise, I’ll just tell them that it’s bigger than I expected.  I don’t need other people’s approval.

Is it messed up how I have this horrible urge to check my work email on this, my first day of vacation?  On the one hand, it probably indicates that I have a decent sense of work ethic.  On the other hand, I desperately need to not worry about such things.  What in blazes am I doing???  I just need to unplug.  Work can carry on just fine without me.  Ugh.